Wow it seems like forever since I wrote last. So much has happened. To update a bit, my uncle moved in in February and just like I figured he stared making life difficult for us, and I mean in ways you couln't possibly imagine. Families don't treat each other that way.I'm not going to get too detailed right now.So we moved out June 1st.  I had lived in that house my whole life, both my kids grew up there, it was the only home they ever knew. It was hard as hell on me to pack and move, and I kept having insulin reactions and getting sick. If it wasn't for my friend Eddie I don't know how I would have gotten through it. Dave was working on trying to pull the money  together, and he was in his own little hell at the time so we didn't do a lot of communicating.  Dylan was going through a lot cause he was up there with them and they just got meaner and meaner with him. I had to move him out three days early because I didn't want him up there when we were moving.  We found a nice townhouse we both liked very much.We reall lucked out with great neighbours on both sides of us. That made it a lot more pleasant.The first night we ended up with both boys in our room crying because it was such a big change for them. We are still ajusting. Shortly after that I ran out of my meds and the sample subsitutes were horrible they didn't work and my ulcer got worse and I got so depressed I could barley fuction. We had a wonderful man from around the corner, a

 This is my Grandma. The strongest woman I have ever known.                                            

I will never be as strong and beautiful and kind as she was. Right now I'm weak and sad and missing her terribly. Other people seem to think it's so easy to get over the loss of a grandparent, but it isn't, espescially when you have lived with them your entire life. Other people grieve for a bit when the grandmother that lived in another province that they saw once every five years dies , but when that grandparent has raised you from he time you were four, it's ALOT harder. Part of me wants to be there with her, and part of me wants this pain not to end so her memory wont fade. She was the only woman in this house that wasn't an overindulgent selfcentred  addict. And I know that I didn't get that from my grandmas side.  Too be  continued.....                                                                                               

Sunday January 15 2006 - 5:45 pm. Was when my grandma took her last breath. She was 93 years old. She had uterine cancer. She wanted to fight. She did, right up until the very end. She was alert enough, 30 seconds before her heart stopped, when the doctor asked her if she was in any pain she said "no". My grandma was the strongest woman I've ever known. She took everything in stride, even the worst things only made her stronger. She looked fear in the face and laughed, she told death to take a hike , many many times. She was living with uterine cancer and kidney failure and she'd had a heart attack and was suffering from congestive heart failure. The odds were against her. But she fought anyway.  She wanted to have the operation to take away the cancer, she weighed the pros and cons and decided that her best option was to have the surgery. 

Well I guess now I've done it.  I didn't listen to the doctors, or my family, or my friends, and now I have a problem.  I have a diabetic neuropathy in my foot, and now I am in pain, and have numbness in parts of my foot.

I got told today by my surgeon that I need to get my diabetes under control or else.  I have been researching online about what the dangers are, and let me tell you I am scared now.  I am afraid of loosing my foot, and my life.

It has been an up hill battle for me with this diet thing.  I'm on insulin but it's not enough.  I need to watch my diet very carefully.  I haven't yet been able to get on track, and I have had this for almost three years.

I am the worst person in the world to get diabetes.  I have always been horrible at dieting, and I've always been sort of over weight. So now I have to try, and turn around a behaviour that I have had for 33 years.

I hate not being able to eat my comfort foods.  I just recently managed to kick a drug addiction that I have had for 18 years, and I really relied on food to fill the gap.  I also need to quit smoking, and that is going to be hell, let me tell you.

I just wish there was some way to make this easy, and there just isn't. I got myself into this mess, now I have to get myself out.       I don't have the first clue how I'm going to do it though.  I just can't seem to be able to make mysellf understand how bad this is.

  I know, I've been told, and I have read everything there is to read, but I still can't make myself do it.  I am scared to death but apparently not enough to stop me from eating timbits, and using sugar in my coffee.  I hate the taste of those sweeteners, they leave an after taste, and it's yucky.

I am going to give it my best shot, I have to for the sake of my family.  I know it's going to be hard having to cook a meal for every meal.  I know it's going to be hard having to weigh everything I eat, and look at every package before I buy it, just to make sure there is not a lot of carbs or sugars in it. 

It's going to mean a whole lifestyle change.  That will be the hardest part, retraining myself completly.  How I think about everything will have to change. This can affect a lot of things, and most of my body.  

If I don't take care of it I will die, no ifs, ands or buts, I will die ! I am going to keep track of my progress here. Hopefully it will be all good. Maybe I'll even get skinny. Wish me luck.

And Goddess please watch over me, and guide me through this.        

Blessed Be , Debbie

Well that was a nice few days of being the "the best thing that ever happened to him". I guess having to go back to the nagging wife put a damper on his fantasy. I can't get him to listen to me when I ask him once or twice nicely to do something, and when I finally get fed up and get angry with him , then I'm the bad guy again. I guess I'm only wonderful when I am helping to fulfill his fantasies, but when I have to be a parent and housewife and person with a lot of health problems, I'm not so hot anymore. He knew who I was when we first got together, and in ten years, this week was the nicest he has ever been to me. Now I don't deserve it because I have to be real. I feel so used and useless all at the same time, maybe setting him up with some one to take my place when  I'm gone isn't such a bad idea.  I just can't be the person he wants me to be. I am not a young woman, I am not in good health and I'm not a soft spoken waif, and I never will be. So expecting that I will just sit back and say nothing when he's mean to Zayne or let's Amanda get away with murder just because she gets good grades and she's an attractive female. He just can't get along with males , even when they are his own children. It's really sad, but I have realized it over the years that he just doesn't deal well with males.

This new years eve was uneventful, but it was happy. Due mostly to the transformation of my husbands personality. Some very special things happened with a very good friend of ours the night before new years eve and it caused the most wonderful change in my husband. Since that night he has been the most attentive, kind, loving person I have ever known. I would like to believe that this change was a result of my giving him something that he has always wanted but never been with the right person to attain it. I made a promise to him many years ago, that I would help him fullfill his most wanted fantasy. I think that because it took a few years to find the right person, that he never thought it wouldn't happen. Now he has had a small taste of what is to come and he seems overwhelmed with emotion for me. I was filled with emotion as well, but I feel things very differently than he does. He feels strongly, and swiftly, I however take a while to feel things. My emotions have been dulled by bad stuff in my past, and other things that have happened to me. The only person I have ever fell hard for was my husband. I knew at 14 when I first met him that I would love him for the rest of my life. When we met again ten years ago, I again fell hard, and fast for him. He is my knight in shining armer. He rescued me from a life of self destruction, and brought me to a place where I could be content, and be myself, he was there with me through all the changes, and crisis, and I for him when he needed me. Our life together has not always been happy or gone smoothly, but we always turn to each other, and the last few months when things were hard, and we had some bad stuff happen, we dealt with it together with a possitive attitude, and we came to a place where we are both content religiously, spiritually, sexually, emotionally and physically. We have become one with each other, and we feel things on the same level now. We share every thought, and emotion, and that is the most beautiful feeling I have ever felt, knowing what he is thinking, and feeling, and having him be able to tell me. I have found renewed respect and pride for him. He is being so kind, and attentive, any feelings I had of anger or resentment have just melted away. I don't have it in me anymore to be mean, and say hurtful things to him anymore. I will let him know if he is hurting me or the kids, but it wont be in the manner I used to. This new year started off good for us, but Zayne had a bad start. Hopefully when Dave is back at work, and he doesn't have to deal with two parents giving him two different sets of instruction, he will be better. I should get to bed, it's getting late, and I can't wait to go put my arms around my wonderful husband. I wish for us both, that our new intrest will continue, and further into something even more exciting and beautiful.

Well Daves at it again. Nothing else matters but him. I asked him to pick up two things at the store while he was there getting my moms pop (thats a whole other story) and he comes home with the pop for my mom but no milk or sugar for us. I spent the whole day out at the doctors then christmas shopping with Zayne and Dylan in tow. Dylan, of course, had to be taken out to buy his presents because according to him no one knows what he wants and always gets him the wrong things. So my day was filled with him being greedy and Zayne wondering why he wasn't getting anything bought for him for christmas. For a six year old he was really good about it he was very understanding.

I feel like I am going to loose my mind, I can't even begin to explain how fucked up my head is right now. I feel like no one cares about anything I want or need or how hard a time I'm having dealing with everything I'm dealing with right now. No one even knows about everything that I'm going throught . I am struggling everyday to stay clean and get off the anti depressants I've been on my entire adult life. I am trying to handle all my mother's psycho bullshit and the fact that my grandma just found that she has uterine cancer, at 93 years old. It just seems so damn unfair to throw that at her at that age on top of everything else that she has wrong. All my mother can think about is herself , all Dave can think about are his own needs and Amanda , well she's a 15 year old girl , so of course the only thing she thinks about is herself. Dylan is just a pain in the ass, he is just a carbon copy of my mother, which means if everyone isn't paying all there attention to him he just causes all kinds of aggrivation. Little Zayne, I can't blame him for anything , he's doing the best he can't with both his parents fighting and everyone ignoring him except to yell at him for getting into things , that he is only getting into in the first place so someone will pay attention to him. I hate myself for being such a bad mother to him, it's not his fault that no matter what he does it never pleases his father and I spend so much time telling Dave what he's doing wrong with Zayne that I don't end up spending any time with Zayne. I am so fed up trying to explain to Dave what the problem is , he just doesn't care all he wants is to have everything his way and if anyone has a problem with that then they are being mean to him or upsetting him. He just can't stop thinking about his own needs long enough to consider anyone elses feelings. I need a break from here but I just can't walk out on Zayne. If it wasn't for him I would probably have a needle in my arm right now and be in some sleezy motel. Cause thats just how little control I have right now. I am hanging on by a thread and I and just not doing it very well right now. All I can think is if I could just have a few minutes of relief it would make everything so much easier. I don't know what to do I just feel like the pain of putting a knife to my wrist would bring me some peace, and I know thats wrong but I just can't find a way to make the pain go away on my own. I need someone to help me through all this and I can't talk to Dave because he just turns it into something about him. I am so close to getting in the car and taking off. I just can't keep going on like this, I have to force myself to  live in a fantsy world just to get through the day. I can't keep putting up with my mother on my own she is starting to really get to me. Having to deal with a crazy person day in and day out by myself is begining to have an affect on me. I am at the point where I can't even look at her anymore she makes me so sick. I have never seen a more pathetic person in my life. I just cringe at the sound of her voice and I can't even discribe what happens to me when shes on one of her trips. I just feel like screaming at the top of my lungs. I hate her. I hate what she has done to my son, and my life and my marrage and my grandma. She just doesn't deserve to live. Why does all this shit have to pile up on the beginning of my PMS weeks. Everything is just raw emotion and so much more painful. I have no abillity to deal with anything for two weeks. Now I have two weeks of dealing with my mother up close because of having to take my grandma down to Sunybrook to the oncologist. 

 Things are getting to be to much to handle around here. I have so much on my mind and everytime I try and talk to Dave, he just gets all pissy and acts like I'm attacking him. When all I'm really doing is trying to have a conversation with my husband about the stuff I have to go through in a day. I listen to him when he rants about his job and his mid life crisis and such.  I am so worried about Zayne he really doesn't want to go to school and he makes up all kinds of reasons why he wants to stay home.                                                         

Well it's another weekend of Dave being miserable, and yelling at everyone. I am getting so sick of listening to him rant and rave, from the minute I open my eyes Saturday morning, till I close my eyes to sleep Sunday night. I spend my whole weekend trying to stop him from yelling, and berating the kids, and I end up having him blame me for making him act that way, because I'm always bitching at him. I can't win. He can't see or won't see what he is doing to us, so he just get's madder at me, because as far as he is concerned, I'm bitching at him for no reason at all. I wish he would get some counselling, I can't do it, I'm to close to the problem. Yet he expects me to just magically fix his problems. When I do try to give him advice, he always gets mad at me. So there is no point. I have said the same things to him for ten years, and he just wont listen. His first wife left him, and a girlfriend he had after that left him because of his mood swings and instability. He just doesn't see that he pushes people away because of the poor way he treats people. He pulls this poor me, everyone hates me crap, and yet he acts like a know it all, and makes people feel really uncomfortable around him. He talks down to people, and then expects them to like him. He has no friends and I have lost friends because of him. He is pushing his family away now too. But he just doesn't care, he would rather loose his whole family than admit that he is wrong. I can't help him and I can't protect my kids from his abuse. He just wont see what he is doing to everyone.  Now of course he just comes back in and starts getting nasty with me because I'm bad mouthing him in my journal. It doesn't occur to him that I'm venting and this really is the only place that I can talk about my problems. When I'm at the clinic I listen to other peoples problems, when I'm at the doctors, he's usually to busy to talk about anything to detailed, and trying to talk to Dave is just impossible. If its not about him it's not interesting enough to pay attention to. He just went out and bought a laptop and just like the Christmas he bought the palm, I was suppose to get a present from him and of course by then we didn't have enough money toby me anything. So far he has bought an mp3 discman that was suppose to be for me, but he used it all the time. Just before that was his palm, then he buys a digital camera that I could not figure out. Now the laptop. He was suppose to give me the palm but then realized that he still needs it for his phone numbers. Of course Amanda has a computer in her room, and an mp3 player, and a dvd player and a TV. My son Dylan has none of those things. Amanda gets new cd's made for her all the time and Dylan has to beg for weeks to get just one. Zayne is two young to care about any of those things, but he is starting to see that Amanda is the golden child. She has Dave wrapped. He will do anything she asks, he lets her get away with everything, and he lets her talk to him like he's a moron, and he just takes it. I feel like I am in competition with my step daughter for my husbands affection.   I  hate this, I hate living in this mess. I just wish Dave would be happy, and playful like he used to be. I love him more than I have ever loved anyone, and yet he can make me so unhappy. I want us to be happy and have fun on the weekends. He thinks that I like being angry at him and being unhappy. He is so twisted.

-Debbie